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Showing posts with label Personal Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal Reflection. Show all posts

Friday, December 19, 2014

The Academic in the Coffee Shop

I wrote the majority of my dissertation while seated at a tiny table in the corner of dimly lit coffee shop. At the time, I didn’t have my own office, and working at home was anything but productive. My cat would sit on my keyboard, and I went stretches staring longingly out the window. So, I spent countless hours at my local coffee shop, churning out pages in that melange of extreme focus and nervous agitation that copious cups of caffeine can trigger. For the better part of a year, my clothes reeked of freshly ground coffee beans, and in this period, my own nerdy version of Cheers, all the baristas knew my name (and beverage of choice). It was a magical—and expensive—time in my life, but I wasn’t eager to repeat it.

When I started my faculty job, I was excited to finally have an office. In what has now become a tired cliché, office space was limited and competition for coveted offices in my department was (and remains) fierce. Office space was so scarce that, when I was hired, the dean couldn’t guarantee me an office in our building. In the end, I was issued a decent space near colleagues in our building—a little office with a window and collection of relatively new furniture.

Prior to the start of the semester, I tried to purchase a few decorations to liven up the space. I pictured an eclectic mix of artsy, globally inspired photographs and shelves lined with books. My degree, newly framed and prominently displayed. Evidently, I thought these things would make my office seem legitimate. As it turned out, my office never quite lived up to these expectations. Things got busy, and decorating took a back seat. Fortunately, having an unadorned office wasn’t a major issue.

Within a few weeks, I learned that my colleagues were only sporadically in their offices. In fact, the message I received was that faculty avoided being in their offices at all costs. Sure, they came in for meetings and office hours. Otherwise, however, they took advantage of the beautiful autonomy this profession grants by working elsewhere. (This, of course, is the great irony of faculty fighting over offices.)

Because our office hours only occasionally overlapped, I was surprised by how little I saw of my colleagues, even those whose offices were in close proximity. In order to get to know people in my department, I reached out to them and asked to meet one-on-one. Where did we usually meet? Coffee shops. Soon thereafter, I started meeting up with a colleague for structured writing time. Because I was joining his routine, I followed his lead. And so it was, after a brief respite, that I found myself once again spending large chunks of time in coffee shops.

This wasn’t a terrible turn of events. I was getting to know my colleagues, and I was writing, which I have gathered is important in this gig. Coffee shops are also a great way to learn about a new place and get the pulse of a community. In between sentences, I would often overhear conversations or observe random moments in people’s lives. Frequently, I would look up and see other faculty from around campus working through a stack of grading. It struck me that there are a variety of spaces in which academic work gets done. This is partly due to technology changes, which also means there may be generational differences that influence which spaces faculty prefer.

Thanks to the internet and widely available, free wifi, faculty are able to access a great deal of the materials they need to work from multiple places. For example, provided I have wifi, I can access through my library a range of e-books and virtually any journal article I need to aid my research. Since my courses are hybrid, I do a fair amount of student-interaction through a web-based video platform. I access student assignments and enter grades through a website. I expect that the same is true for many faculty members, suggesting that, for many of us, work is less of a location than a list of (probably overdue) tasks. If wifi is the key criterion for workspace, why not find a place that has, historically, fostered creativity?

The centrality of the coffee shop to academe makes sense in this regard. For centuries, coffee shops have been hubs of information exchange and knowledge production. I’ve seen and read a few historical papers about the role of coffee shops in spreading radical ideas, fomenting rebellion, and sparking literary innovations. Academics today are simply continuing this long tradition. 

Yet I was reminded recently that the nomadic academic wasn’t always the norm. One Friday afternoon, after most faculty had vacated the building, I chatted with the dean about how quiet it was. This comment seemed to induce nostalgia, as he shared that the profession was quite different when he started as an assistant professor. Back then, prior to the advent of the internet, it was much harder to work from home. You needed your physical books and files. It just wasn’t practical to lug everything home with you each night. As a result, he said, more faculty were in their offices, and there were more opportunities for informal interactions. Some of the older faculty in the building still preferred to come into the office everyday. He misses those moments of community.

As I listened to the dean, I reflected on my own return to the coffee shop. I didn’t go back for massive lattes or funky music—I went purely for the chance to connect with colleagues. In academe, the mixture of autonomy and the internet seems to mean, at least in my little world, that people simply aren’t around that much. As an assistant professor who is new to the campus, the result has been brief yet recurrent feelings of isolation.

Since I don’t foresee the internet disappearing anytime soon, this might mean that universities need to put more effort into building community among faculty members. It seems that at least a handful has a dedicated faculty club, which might provide one venue for faculty to get together. It could also be that there is no “fix,” in which case I’ll just suck it up and suck down a few more coffees.  

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Blocking the Inner Voice in Faculty Life

I've been an assistant professor all of two months, and I love my job. I'll probably laugh at that sentence come spring semester, when I begin my 3-3 teaching load. But for now, I am happy with my courses, impressed by my students, and feel welcome within my department. In other words, I have good reason to be thankful.

This doesn't mean that there are no challenges. Each day, I learn something new, and I spend a good deal of energy simply trying to understand administrative processes and departmental history. There are other challenges as well. Psychological challenges. When I started this job, I promised not to let it rule my life. I decided that if I can't achieve some semblance of balance and be a professor, I'll find a new line of work. Achieving balance by itself requires a great deal of effort. It's not as simple as working less. And balance doesn't just mean exercising, which seems to be the "solution" proposed in many advice columns. I've been a runner for years, and hitting the pavement isn't a guaranteed ticket to emotional wellbeing.  No, achieving balance is a complicated struggle, usually waged in my mind.

I have to fight against an inner voice demanding that I give more of my time and energy to work. This inner voice, I think, is an amalgam of external messages that I internalize. Messages from my graduate school advisors about how they earned respect. Messages derived from comparing myself to colleagues. Messages about what it takes to win tenure. Messages about staying relevant and earning prestige in my discipline. The reason I fight against this inner voice is that I recognize it is at odds with my authentic self. Prior to entering academe, I cared more about differentiating myself from others than competing with them. Status was not a motivator for me, and I never would have imagined selling my soul for a lifetime job. So, I try my best to block this inner voice in order to give room for my authentic self to emerge. Here's a few illustrations of this process based upon recollections from the past two months on the job.

1. I went out of town a few weeks ago to visit my family. When I went back into the office, a colleague dropped by and asked me about my weekend. The inner voice suggested I respond as follows: "It was great, but I didn't get any work done. So, I'm stressed and will be grading all day today." I checked this impulse and instead replied: "It was great. I didn't get any work done, but it was worth it." The thing is, I would never tell a colleague to feel bad about prioritizing family over work. Why should I not apply that same value to my own life? When I block the inner voice, I make an effort to enjoy and own not working.

2. I met with my department chair recently to talk about my goals for the upcoming year. Typically, these meetings are designed to review faculty members' performance the previous year, in addition to goal-setting. Since I'm new, there was no performance to review. My chair explained that tenure criteria related to research had been changing over time. It was no longer the case that one peer-reviewed publication per year was sufficient. Her advice was to make sure I was using the time gained from my course release this semester to publish. After this meeting, the inner voice told me: "Cancel your plans to go to the wedding this month. You've got to get moving." I almost immediately went home and asked my wife if we could skip out on the wedding and visit our friends some time in the future. I pushed aside the inner voice and told myself: "You did not become a professor to live like a hermit. Structure your time in the coming weeks, meet your writing goals, and recognize that you are better at research when you feel fulfilled." I did my best to keep my writing projects moving forward, and I tried not to beat myself up when unexpected things came between me and research. As it turned out, the writing was good. Oh, and I went to that wedding. When I block the inner voice, I work at my own pace and at a higher standard.

3. Just the other day, I pulled into my driveway, turned off the car, and just sat for a minute. It wasn't a particularly taxing day. I didn't teach or attend a slew of meetings. But I was exhausted. I knew I had about 45 minutes before I needed to start dinner. I kicked off my shoes and headed toward the couch with every intention of taking a nap. As soon as I closed my eyes, the inner voice whispered: "You have 45 minutes before anyone else gets home. Look up those articles you didn't get to and start reading them." Sadly, I gave in to the inner voice in this instance. I got up, opened my laptop, and started typing the URL for the library homepage before my authentic self intervened: "You have already worked a full day, remember? You started at 8:00 this morning and worked strait through lunch. Why is this more important than giving yourself a rest?" I didn't get around to taking that nap, but I was annoyed enough with myself to learn a valuable lesson. When I block the inner voice, I recognize that I am already working hard enough.

These are just three illustrations among many. I don't always block the inner voice. Frequently, in fact, the inner voice is the only voice I hear. Nevertheless, I'm struggling--dare I say, working--to do faculty life my way. And I hope sincerely that other professors do the same. Don't talk about how busy you are. Don't complain about not working over the weekend. Don't suggest that a normal work week is insufficient.

I recognize there are factors at play here, factors seemingly beyond our control. Courses need to be taught. Committees need to be staffed. Emails need to be read. Families need to be fed. The work needs to get done. But I believe there are many moments in which we have an opportunity to make choices about the type of faculty life we want to make possible. And I think that life might be better for everyone in academe if we all block the inner voice.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

There's So Much Awful Advice for New Faculty

It's the beginning of the semester at most colleges and universities nationwide, meaning it's also advice season for new faculty. This is the time of year when The Chronicle of Higher Education and Inside Higher Ed publish a string of pieces from older, wiser faculty to help us novices survive tenure trackdom. I've decided to stop reading these pieces for several reasons I'll share here. And it's not because I know everything I'll need to thrive.

First, a chunk of the advice is completely common sense. It's not just common sense to me. It's quite literally common sense. Included in this category are the suggestions that we learn the culture of our departments and try to be nice to our colleagues. I'm not sure anyone, in any profession, would walk into a new job thinking: "I'm going to completely ignore what's going on around me and try to be a jerk." So, I'm not sure that this advice really needs to be verbalized. If there are people who approach a new faculty job this way, chances are they are too self-absorbed or socio-pathic to read advice pieces and take them seriously.

Second, a chunk of the advice is contingent upon the institution type. Writers of advice pieces will understandably draw upon their own experiences to spin humorous cautionary tales or chronicle how they saved a new faculty member from an embarrassing blunder. I understand this approach: you write what you know. But what you know doesn't necessarily speak to where I'm at. You may be talking about teaching generally, but your ideas are informed by lecturing to 300 undergraduate students, not developing online modules for working adults. Let's face it: there are few universal rules when it comes to being an academic. We work in a fabulously diverse occupation, rending most advice useless in practice.

Third, a chunk of the advice treats academe like a secret society or game demanding a particularly nuanced strategy. And, trust me, I get it. The stakes are high. There are unwritten codes. This is a unique profession in which your colleagues vote on our promotion. But at the end of the day this is a job. Every job that I've held was political and stressful. I trusted my instincts and stayed true to myself. If I can't do that as a faculty member, why would I want to work in this department, institution, or field? I recognize that "being myself" is a privilege, but it shouldn't be. It should be the only advice given and the only advice we, as new faculty, accept. In some ways, the narrative that treats academe like a game and new faculty as clueless rookies does more harm than good. If we all treated this as a job, even if (as many others have noted) it is a calling, it would be easier to walk away at the end of the day and draw clear boundaries. We would put up with a lot less foolishness.

Lastly, much of the advice leaves me feeling more panicked than prepared to succeed. I start worrying about things that, honestly, probably don't matter all that much. I think about whether I'm being nice enough or getting too friendly with my students. Before long, I give in to the perennial academic pastime of overthinking everything, which means I'm not thinking about the really important things, like editing that manuscript or developing that creative discussion idea. I swirl around in a tornado of self-doubt and tenure fear.

So, I stopped reading the advice pieces, electing to believe in my ability to learn and make incremental improvements. Truthfully, I wish that some older, wiser faculty would give up writing them. If you really want to write something for fellow faculty members, share pedagogies that you found effective. If you're feeling the itch to mentor a new faculty member, swing by their office or invite them to coffee. Find out about their life and aspirations, then give them personalized advice. If it's really about our success, and not somehow about you, then I would think this approach is more effective than writing an op-ed.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

So Long, University of Maryland

I'm less than two weeks away from moving to a new city and university. It seems as though I've been waiting for this moment for eons. Having signed my contract a few months ago and having promised myself to take it easy for the first part of summer, my days have been fairly lackadaisical and slow. In the run up to the moving truck's arrival, things have certainly picked up. I've had much to coordinate, organize, and pack. The process has been draining, both physically and emotionally.

Today, it really struck me that I'll be leaving what has been my home for seven years. In all of the excitement of starting a new adventure, I haven't taken the time to pay homage to the places that have made the adventure possible in the first place. We move for many reasons: necessity, opportunity, ambition. But we always take with us pieces of the places we left behind. This is my ode to the University of Maryland and my recognition that I am taking so many fantastic pieces with me.

I came to the University of Maryland in July of 2007, just a month after graduating with my bachelor's degree. As an undergraduate, I gravitated towards the thoroughly unemployable subjects of medieval history and Spanish language and literature, but I was fortunate to learn about the field of higher education and student affairs through experiences as a resident assistant and member of student government. I had dreams of emulating our remarkably approachable and gifted vice president of student development, so I applied to and enrolled in a student affairs master's program at the University of Maryland.

As soon as I arrived, I felt like a fish out of water. I was coming from a small university and, before that, a small town. The transition was one of the most severe I have ever encountered. The students were different, the campus was different, the city was different. I missed my girlfriend (now wife), who was finishing her last year at our alma matter. In many ways, I didn't have the emotional maturity to handle so much change. After a few months, I gave serious thought to quitting. I hated the city, hated the university, and hated the program. I even talked to my adviser about what I needed to do to withdraw, which is somewhat comical to me now, since I had no backup plan. At the time, it was traumatic.

Something important happened in the winter of that first year. First, I decided to switch to a different program in my department, one whose focus was more global. I reasoned, at the time, that it was a better fit for me, since I studied abroad several times in college and studied topics outside the United States. In retrospect, I was romanticized by the possibility of travel and, at the time, had a penchant for abruptly changing course and escaping adversity. Second, I connected with my best friend. I say connected because, as he likes to tell anyone and everyone, we had met long before we started hanging out. He says that I purposefully ignored him, while I insist that I was a wreck and oblivious to people through the first semester of graduate school. It matters little now. We became roommates, he was my best man, and he's still my main man. He is an enormous piece of this place that will travel with me and likely bring me back, hopefully as much as possible.

My new program turned out to be a great fit. Something I have cherished about my program is its flexibility. I have a strong case of academic ADD, and I never would have lasted in an overly structured program that forced me to take a prescribed list of courses. My program had three required courses, and the rest of the curriculum was designed by me, in collaboration with my adviser. I enjoyed the coursework, and before long, I started to see the university through a different set of lenses. Given my new international bent, I looked to switch to a more global graduate assistantship, which marked the next important turning point in my relationship with the place I leave behind. I started working for a living-learning program called Global Communities. When I arrived, the program had just been resurrected by an amazingly talented director. It had turned into a strong community of thoughtful, fascinating students from a dozen different countries. This quickly became my community as well. I had a home on campus, somewhere to belong.

When the director of the program left, I had the gumption, despite my youth and inexperience, to apply for her job. Looking back on it now, I still don't understand how I got it. I was 23 years old and had only a year of part-time university work experience under my belt. They saw something, however, and I soon jumped into running a program and supervising a small staff. I loved the work and did some good things for the program. We developed service-learning modules, and once again, the university placed a great deal of trust in my abilities by granting permission to lead a short-term study abroad program. For the next three years, I took groups to study education and social change in Turkey. I often chuckle at how insane it was to be responsible for the lives of 12 people when I barely had my own life under control. The program was doing well, but in the eyes of the administration, it wasn't maximizing its potential. They moved us to a new unit and decided to name a tenured faculty member as director. I was demoted and promoted at the same time. I lost complete control of the program, but I got a new title and a raise. It wasn't all bad, but I disagreed with the direction the program was heading. Despite these bumps, I take a piece of Global Communities and its wonderful students with me to my new role.

It was clear to me that to do the work I enjoyed in higher education, I needed a PhD. In truth, I had felt the itch to get my doctorate early in my studies. So, I went back to school in my same department. I spent a year taking courses and working full-time, meaning my studies and my job each suffered some. My wife was supportive and resigned to the fact that I just needed to do this. I left my job and became a full-time graduate student. Most days, I was deeply fulfilled doing graduate work. Like most people, I had times when I asked, "What is the point?" and "Who cares about this topic?" Thankfully, I had built a strong network of people inside and outside my program who helped me navigate these moments. Some of them were ahead of me in the program, and they coached me through the rough patches. Others worked on campus in the student union (you know who you are) and provided needed encouragement. All of these people, the mentors and friends, are pieces that I carry.

In my final years as a graduate student, as I entered comprehensive exams and dissertation research, I started a new graduate assistantship in the Office of Faculty Affairs. It is a strange thing, after coming to the university to work with students, to finish in an office where students only come by accident. I now exclusively deal with faculty and academic administrators. In the process, I have met remarkable people, including a host of true leaders whose example is one to emulate. In addition, I now walk into my job as an assistant professor with a thorough understanding of the academic profession. No job can prepare me for the coming year, but I at least have a sense of the issues and resources. I have no doubt that I will draw upon the lessons learned in the Office of Faculty Affairs for years to come.

The University of Maryland is where I launched my career, where I met my closest friends, where I learned to become a professional, where I pursued my intellectual passions, and where I came to embrace myself and adulthood. I am so grateful to have spent the last seven years here, and I will cherish the people who have made this place so special.

I know for a fact that my new institution will be very different. On some dark days, I'm sure I will even regret having ever left the University of Maryland. During those times, I'll turn to the pieces that got me to this point--the best friend, the community, the mentors--and push on with fond memories. I'll miss you, Terps.